Category Archives: focused living

Four Questions to Help You Rebuild Your Life After a Meltdown, Part 2

Posted by chriswilliamsde on

Soon after my meltdown occurred, and I realized how serious my situation was, I launched a project to “rebuild my life.” I determined to take four steps to walk me through the process of recovery. And like taking four steps, they each had to happen one at a time; you can’t take four steps at once. In this series of posts, I want to share with four questions that framed the steps I took and am taking to rebuild my life.

Step One: What Am I Giving My Energy To?

Step Two: How Committed Am I to Connect with God?

I had a meltdown in large part because I was not committed to time with God at all.  I became so busy that I started to cut things out of my schedule to free up time for the things that “had” to be done.  The first three things on the chopping block?  Sleep, working out, and time with God.  It’s ironic that the things we need to stay alert, energetic, engaged and spiritually vibrant in life are the very things we eliminate first when life gets hectic.

As part of my project to rebuild my life, I determined that I had to re-position my time with God as a top priority.  My connection with God could not be something that I did IF I had time; it had to become a necessity in my list of things that “had” to be done.  I could not recover or survive over the long haul without it.

Beyond making time with God a priority, I did three things to make sure that priority translated into daily life.

Set a Time

I stepped back and looked at the big picture of my time management approach.  Michael Hyatt’s insights on creating an ideal week were a huge help to me.  I spent a couple of hours getting a game plan for my week.  As part of this, I established a block of time every morning that would be set aside for spiritual disciplines and connection with God.

Two things I learned about establishing this time as a spiritual habit.

First, set realistic expectations.

When I began to re-engage with God during these morning times I knew that 60 to 75 minutes alone with God was what I aspired to.  However, I knew that going from 0 minutes per day to 75 minutes per day overnight was highly unlikely.  So I blocked out an hour and then set a lower minimum that I would complete every day.  For me it was 15 minutes.  I figured that if a spent five minutes journaling, five minutes reading Scripture, and five minutes praying it would be much more than I had been doing and would be sufficient to get me growing again.  But having the full hour blocked out gave me the freedom to go longer if I desired to do so.  For the first few weeks I was struggling to get the full 15 minutes in, but over time it gradually grew into the longer time I want and need.

Second, give yourself grace.

Spiritual disciplines are pathways that help us encounter God’s grace; not legalistic expectations that earn God’s favor and love.  In the early weeks of re-establishing this routine there were days that I missed.  There still are occasional days that I miss.  I can beat myself up on those days or I can extend grace to myself and show up the next morning for my time with God.  Beating myself up did not help me recover from my meltdown and did not reinforce the disciplines as a joyful part of my life.  And beating myself up did not help me experience or receive the grace that I was seeking through the disciplines in the first place.  I had to keep reminding myself of that.  I had to give myself grace when I missed and encourage myself to show up the next day.

Get a Space

I found it helpful to pick a place where I will have my time with God.  For me, I actually set three places: 1) a writing table in the basement, 2) the corner table at my Starbucks, 3) the desk in my office.  At the appointed time each day, I make sure I am at one of these locations ready for my time with God.  Identifying the place has helped create the right frame of mind to participate in the disciplines.  Identifying more than one space has helped bring variety and flexibility to my time with God.  This continues to bring renewed energy and focus to my engagement with the disciplines.

Develop a Pattern

Let simplicity be your guide.  I determined that I would utilize a three-part pattern to loosely structure my time with God: Journaling, Scripture reading/meditation, and prayer.  This is not to say that these are the only three things a person could do or that this is the right pattern for you.  These are simply the things that I need in my journey right now.  Journaling for reflection and perspective.  Scripture reading and meditation to hear the voice of God through the Word of God.  Prayer to converse with God by listening and speaking to him.

These three things can be done in any order and do not adhere to strict time-frames.  In fact, more often than not, I jump back and forth between all three throughout my time with God.  Together, they help me connect with God, grow spiritually, and depend on God for strength to live and lead.

Ask Yourself

How committed are you to connect with God? When do you connect with God?  Where?  How?

Four Questions to Help Rebuild Your Life After a Meltdown, Part 1

Posted by chriswilliamsde on

Soon after my meltdown occurred, and I realized how serious my situation was, I launched a project to “rebuild my life.” I determined to take four steps to walk me through the process of recovery. And like taking four steps, they each had to happen one at a time; you can’t take four steps at once. In this series of posts, I want to share with you four questions that framed the steps I took and am taking to rebuild my life.

Step One: What Am I Giving My Energy To?

Make a List

The first step I took was to take inventory of my commitments and re-evaluate what my energy was being investing in. This process took about 6 to 8 weeks. I literally sat down at my computer and listed out every commitment I had made, big or small, important or insignificant. That process gave me a list of over 70 projects I was working on in my job, 9 coaching projects, and over a dozen personal projects. After I had the list together, I reversed engineered the list into categories or groupings. I discovered that the nearly 100 projects I was working on covered nearly 25 different areas of focus.

Overcommitment=Overwhelm

It may seem like I became an out-of-control list maker. In fact, I had one person say, “I couldn’t write all my stuff down like that; I would go crazy knowing everything I was supposed to do.” They encouraged me to stop writing these things down and trash my lists. However, what I found is that writing it down and making it tangible in one list where I could see it all gave me the wonderful gift of self-awareness. I was overwhelmed because I was overcommitted. My system was perfectly designed for the results I was getting. If I wanted different results (i.e. – less overwhelm in my life), I needed to change my system. I needed to eliminate, delegate, and renegotiate my commitments. I needed to ruthlessly make adjustments until my commitments were clear, focused, and manageable.

Eliminate

Some of my commitments were dead. Some of them were not good ideas or were simply not practical. Others were good ideas at the time they were initiated, but over time they became irrelevant because the world changed. When I came to a dead project on my list I let it go…with the delete button.

Some of my commitments were good things, but they did not represent the best things I could and should be doing with my time. As Jim Collins says, “Good is the enemy of the great.” I had to eliminate some good things to clear the decks for the best things.  Again, the delete button.

Delegate

Some of my commitments needed to be done, but could be or needed to be handled by someone else. I delegated those to the appropriate person.

Renegotiate

Some of my commitments were bigger projects that were due within a year, but did not require me to start working on them now. I put them on my calendar for the appropriate time when they needed to be started.

Still other commitments were good ideas, but I did not have the bandwidth to complete them. I put them on my someday/maybe list.

Commitments to Complete

After eliminating, delegating, and renegotiating, I was left with the commitments that I needed to follow through on until they were completed. My work list dropped to 40-50 active projects, the range where it currently hovers. My coaching list was trimmed to 6 projects, four of which will conclude this month. And my personal project list hovers around 6 to 8 items. Nearly 100 commitments were reduced down to 50-60 commitments I truly need to be focused on. My 25 areas of focus have been narrowed down to 7 professional areas of focus and 7 personal areas of focus.

The Point

Here’s the point. I experienced a meltdown because I was stretched too thin and burning the candle at both ends. The road to recovery for me and for many of those who are facing burnout begins with figuring out where your energy is going. Then you have to make the hard decisions about what you will and will NOT do. You are burnt out because you are doing too much. You have to step back and eliminate some of your commitments. This is the only way that you can begin to win the battle against overwhelm, stress, and burnout.

Ask Yourself

What are you giving your energy to? Are there things you are committed to that need to be eliminated? Delegated? Renegotiated?

Facing Myself

Posted by chriswilliamsde on

Facing Yourself and Discovering You Don’t Like What You See

Recently I read a post from Donald Miller that resonated with me.  In particular, it put words to what happened to me in July 2011.  In this post (What Happens When You Stop Running), he spoke of his attempt to keep up the facade that all was okay by continuing to push and run and be productive.  It took a friend to call him on it and challenge him to stop running and face himself.

Last July, we returned from a three week vacation.  That’s right…three whole weeks.  We spent time with my in-laws at their lake home in northern Wisconsin.  The weather was great, the activities were fun, and the schedule was relaxing.  I should have returned home rested and ready to conquer the next season of leadership.  Instead, I came home empty.

This summer getaway has been a tradition for the last several years of our lives and each year when I return from this mini-sabbatical I am geared up for leadership and recharged to conquer the next frontier of ministry.  I expected a similar experience this past year, but it was not to be.  I was tired.  Not tired like I just needed a good night of sleep, but utterly exhausted in every way.  For the first time in my life I was completely disengaged.  I did not want to get out bed, did not want to be around people, did not want to spend time with God, did want to go to work.  I did not want to do anything.

The three weeks of vacation did not offer me the renewal I had hoped for, but it did fulfill an important role in my journey.  It helped me to stop running and face myself.  It caused me to slow down enough to consider who I was and what I had become.  It gave me space to reflect on the meaning and purpose of my life.  I had stopped running.  I faced myself.  And I did not like what I saw.

The Backstory

The year prior to my July meltdown had been a crazy season.  In May of 2010 I was pastoring a church and making strategic plans for the next phase of development there when I received an out-of-the-blue offer to take a new role at the district level in my denomination.  This new opportunity was a great opportunity to more closely align my role with my life purpose while at the same time expanding my platform for influence.  It was not an easy decision though.  I loved the church and the people I was leading…I still do.  I did not want to leave them.  Yet, God had opened the door for me to move on and confirmed in my own heart that I should.  So, with excitement, anticipation, and a great deal of pain, I said “yes” to this new role.

Two weeks after saying “yes” I started my new role.  One month after starting the new position our family moved from Frankford, DE to Annapolis, MD.  Moving is stressful.  Moving a family of five, two weeks before school starts is even more stressful.  But we did it and lived to tell the tale.  The week after we moved, my next seminary course started.  Did I mention that it was a crazy year?

So for the next 9 months I, along with my family, went through the ups and downs of transitioning to a new community, new school system, and new ministry role.  We were busy as a family.  I was busy as a ministry leader.  Too busy to face myself.

Crumbling from the Inside Out

The transition, along with an insane level of busyness and the stress of a steep learning curve associated with my new role, sapped my energy and changed my approach to life.  One by one, key disciplines and rituals fell away.  First, I reduced my sleep to unhealthy levels.  I was, as they say, burning the candle at both ends.  I was getting up (or at least trying to get up) at five in the morning and retiring to bed at eleven or twelve each night.  Five hours sleep works for a little while, but it is not a long-term strategy for a rested body and healthy life.  My limited sleep was being offset by my “weekend crash.”  I would sleep late on Saturdays and take long naps during the afternoons on the weekend.  This took me away from time with my wife and kids on the days when they were home.

Over time, I decided that I would sleep a little longer.  Until six or six-thirty each day.  To manage this adjustment, I gave up working out.  This was the second ritual to fall away.  I was getting slightly more sleep (six hours a night) but my overall energy continued to decline as my physical health decreased.

The third ritual to fall away was my personal time with God.  I had for twelve years been a pastor with a solid routine for time with God.  My schedule was flexible and I had cultivated the practice of setting aside a chunk of time every morning to be with God.  In my new role, my list of things to do had grown exponentially overnight and much of my work was done at my desk.  My schedule was more demanding and my workflow had changed.  I underestimated this aspect of my transition.  In order to stay on top of the tasks on my to-do lists, I simply started going to work earlier and staying later.  I was focused on getting things done.  Unfortunately, one of the things that wasn’t getting done was my investment in growing my relationship with God.  Time in the Word became limited to seminary assignments and prayer was non-existent.

As these three disciplines began to fall away, the pressure began to build.  I wanted to carry my responsibilities faithfully.  I wanted to be effective and fruitful.  I wanted to do a good job.  Yet, I was neglecting the internal aspects of who I was.  Like a house that puts up the appearance that all is well while the termites are eating away the structure that supports it, my life looked good from the outside while my insides were being hollowed out.  When I returned from vacation in July, I realized that I was empty inside and that my life was crumbling in on itself because there was no longer any structure to support it.  I was crumbling from the inside out.

The Wake-Up Call

A week or so after we returned from vacation, I had a very restless night.  The weight of my crumbling life was pressing on me and I could not sleep.  I was afraid, broken, hurting, and hopeless.  In those early moments of that morning, I uttered desperate words to my wife: “I cannot go on like this anymore.”  For the next couple of hours we sat out in our screened-in porch discussing the reality of my situation.  I was tired, lonely, passionless, spiritually dry, and searching for purpose and meaning.  Was this a mid-life crisis?  A nervous breakdown?  Was I losing my mind?  Visions of straight-jackets and padded rooms crossed my mind more than once.

I shared with my beautiful bride that night that I needed help.  That I could not find a way out on my own.  Her response?  ”I cannot help you through this.”  She wasn’t saying that she wouldn’t be there for me.  She was only responding honestly that this was beyond her capacity to help me.  She was forthrightly encouraging me to pursue help from trained and skilled professionals.  Her honesty served as a crystal clear wake-up call for me.  This was serious and demanded high-priority attention.

The Recovery Journey Begins

The next morning I emailed a friend of mine who works at Life Counseling Center and asked her for a referral to a counselor.  She responded back quickly with a couple of names and a recommendation.  I made the call to the counseling center and set an appointment for the following week.  Next up, I sent an email to a mentor of mine, Umfindisi Jim Lo, asking him to serve as my spiritual director through this process.  After securing a counselor and a spiritual director, I contacted a couple of friends and asked them to pray for me specifically regarding this situation I was experiencing.  I then informed my boss of what I was going through and the steps I was taking to seek recovery.  He offered his full support, earnest prayers, and an always open door.  Finally, I committed to three simple disciplines that I would engage in throughout the process to help me find the renewal I desperately needed.  I would journal every day, read and reflect on Scripture, and spend time in listening prayer to tune into the voice of God again (I will be writing about these disciplines in an upcoming post).

These simple steps were not without challenge or setbacks.  The daily disciplines were not always practiced. The recovery was not quick, and at times did not seem possible, but the journey to recovery had begun.  It would be a full five months before I could say that renewal was in full-swing.  It would be a full-five months before I could face myself and begin again to like what I was seeing.  To be clear, there is still much that I see that I do not like.  Recovery is not complete and there is still work to be done, but the recovery journey has begun and is progressing.

Upcoming Posts

I have just begun processing all that has occurred in my life since July of 2011.  I am going to be writing a series of posts related to my experience.  Here are a few posts that are on my writing docket:

I’d Like to Hear From You

What has been your experience with stopping to face yourself?  What have you learned about seeking renewal?  What disciplines aid you in staying charged up, ready to serve and lead?

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